The Rocky Road to Recovery: Why Healing from Toxic Relationships Isn't Always Straightforward

If you've ever been in a toxic relationship (which has affected most of us to some degree), you know it's like trying to walk away from quicksand—the harder you try to escape, the deeper you seem to sink. So why is it that even after the relationship ends, we find ourselves struggling to move forward and heal? First and foremost, let's acknowledge the strength it takes to even recognize you're in a toxic relationship. These partnerships often start off sweet as honey, with love bombing and grand gestures that can sweep anyone off their feet. Or maybe the gestures are more subtle, but “there’s just something about them,” the mystery per se, that keeps us engaged. But sure enough as time goes on, that sweetness can turn sour and the mystery unravels. Before you know it you find yourself tangled in a web of manipulation, criticism, or worse, and finding your way out of this web feels nearly impossible.

The scars from such experiences are lasting, often impacting how we see ourselves and our own worth in this world. We're left questioning our judgment, our decisions, and our ability to trust—both in ourselves and in others. That's why healing feels like an uphill battle.

“Why is ‘moving on’ from toxic or abusive relationships so incredibly challenging?”

1. Self-Identity

Our sense of self often gets entwined with our partner's identity in a relationship. When that relationship is toxic, the breakup can leave us feeling lost, like we don't know who we are without that person—despite the pain they caused.

2. Fear of the Unknown

Let's face it, the unknown can be terrifying. Our bodies crave familiarity, that’s what homeostasis is all about. Sometimes, staying in a familiar situation, even a harmful one, feels safer than stepping out into uncharted territory.

3. Cycles of Abuse

Toxic relationships can be cyclical, with periods of apology and promises of change followed by more chaos. This cycle can create hope for a better future that keeps us stuck in the past. After the relationship has ended, your memories may bring you back to the good times, and this is another reason why “moving on” can be so difficult.

4. Trauma Bonding

Believe it or not, intense experiences—both good and bad—can strengthen our emotional bonds with someone. This can create a confusing love-hate dynamic that makes it hard to let go, even when we know it's unhealthy. Trauma bonding occurs when the cycle of abuse and intermittent positive reinforcement leads to strong emotional ties that are hard to break. During the 'high' moments, our brains release dopamine, the feel-good hormone, and oxytocin, which is associated with bonding and affection. These make us feel close and connected to our partner. But during the 'low' or abusive phases, our body goes into stress mode, releasing adrenaline and cortisol. This can create an addictive pattern of wanting to return to the 'high' of the good times, despite the danger or pain that might follow. This may lead to “craving” your ex or that toxic person in your life even after the relationship has ended, and even if logically you know they aren’t doing you any good. Remember, we’re talking about biology here, not just conscious decision-making! It's not about weakness or lack of judgment; it's about a very human response to an incredibly difficult situation.

“All of that makes sense, but how can I begin to heal from these invisible wounds? “

Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness. Remember, healing is not linear; it's okay to have good days and bad days.

Support Systems: Lean on friends, family, or a counseling professional who can provide the comfort and perspective you need. You're not meant to walk this path alone.

Boundaries: It’s crucial to establish and maintain strong boundaries after leaving a toxic relationship. Determine what you are and aren't willing to accept in future interactions and stick to those limits.

Self-Discovery: Take this time to rediscover what makes you, you. Reconnect with hobbies, passions, and goals that may have fallen by the wayside. Rediscovering your individuality is a powerful step in healing.

Professional Help: Sometimes, the best way to move forward is with the help of a professional who understands the complexities of toxic relationships. Therapy can be a safe space to unpack your experiences and emotions.

“Is it possible to love and trust myself again?”

It's important to remember that healing from a toxic or abusive relationship is not just about getting over an ex. It's about rebuilding your sense of self, learning to trust again, and moving toward a healthier, happier you. If you're on this rocky road to recovery, know that it's okay to take it one step at a time. There will be bumps along the way, but each step is a step towards a life where you are the one in control, a life filled with respect, love, and genuine care—most importantly, from yourself to yourself. And remember, your journey to healing is valid, no matter how long it takes or how winding the path may seem.

Stay strong and keep shining,
Nancy

P.S. If you're looking for a supportive ear or a guiding hand as you navigate your healing journey, don't hesitate to reach out! As a therapist that specializes in trauma healing, I’m passionate about empowering individuals just like you, and I’d be honor to be a fellow traveler on your journey. Book a free intro call now at info@embracenj.com or call me at 201-401-9487. Serving clients throughout New Jersey & Pennsylvania.